Voiceless and Broken
::: This post was written last month, when we had our last foster baby. Although some of it no longer rings true. I thought it was important to post anyway. Foster care is not easy. We have many days like this one.:::
Tonight I sit here rocking a baby who is not my own. Oxygen monitors beeping, pulse detectors flashing and cries of other infants fill the room.
I told myself this morning that when he leaves I need a break. A break from the constant unknown and endless goodbyes. These past months have left me defeated and drained. We began this journey to make a difference but have been overwhelmed by loss.
We have watched as beauty turned to ashes when our little ones went home with family. We have also seen sweet toddlers broken by the changes that seem to only benefit the adults around them. The outcomes all decided by individuals who have seen them for an hour a month at best.
What good are we without a voice? A chance to speak up for the children who can't speak for themselves? Any attempt to advocate written off as a bias or attempt to keep them for ourselves.
Walking through the trenches becomes unbearable when the light seems to disappear. It seems as though I have been in constant battle with what is best vs what is reality for far too long.
So I sit here, praying for guidance. For answers. For hope. That still small voice reminding me that I am not alone...even when I feel like it.
There is hope in this journey. Maybe even light on the other side of the mountain that seems to keep on growing.
Will there be a break when this little baby goes home? Maybe. Probably not. For every child returned, to a good home or not, there are another bunch of them waiting.
I may not have a voice to speak out for them. I do have arms to hold them though. A safe home during their hardest moments. I sit here broken, lonely, scared but hopeful of what my Savior is going to do with these little ones that He has trusted me with.
For tonight, I rock this baby. Pray over the loving family he is going home to. Trusting his tomorrow will be better than today. That maybe mine will be easier too.